Avengers: Assemble And Why You Should Go And See It

Holy good lord smoking Jesus balls.


What a movie.
I'd hoped to be articulate in the opening of my first film review, but I found myself unable to formulate any words except a list of exclamations. Seriously though... wow.


First off, I'd just like to say: Scarlett Johansson's arse.


This alone is a pretty good excuse to watch a film, and that's before we even properly get into the amazing produced, incredibly amazing and surprisingly humorous film that is Avengers: Assemble.


The story starts with Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) looking at a glowing cube. Not very exciting, you're thinking. Why am I watching this, you're thinking. Where is Scarlett Johansson's arse, I was thinking.
But then, all of a sudden, the glowy cube opens a portal to another dimension through which steps Loki (Tom Hiddleston). Loki then trashes the place, enslaves Hawkeye with his mind-control-spear (technical term there) and leaves, whilst the portal grows and the super-secret desert base this all happened in collapses in on itself. And throughout all this, Nick Fury has an eyepatch. He continues to have an eyepatch throughout the rest of the film. I am not sure as to the origins of said eyepatch, being, as I am, unfamiliar with the Avengers comic book series, but it seems to have affected his judgement on certain things, because, at the climax of the glowy-cube-portal-enslave-chase-collapsing-base scene, he attempts to take out a moving armoured Hummer from 200m whilst sitting in a helicopter. It ain't gonna happen, Nick.


Cue amazing movie, with the aforementioned Samuel L Jackson and Jeremy Renner working perfectly alongside a roll-call of all your favourite Marvel superheroes (except Spiderman). Robert Downey Jr pulls yet another dry, witty and awesome performance as Iron Man, Chris Evans owns everything that comes into contact with his shield as Captain America, Mark Ruffalo is a delicious recasting of both Hulk and his lucid counterpart Bruce Banner (this film is the first time that a single actor has played both parts), Chris Hemsworth (Thor) has a hammer, and Scarlett Johannson's arse... appears to have a body attached- a body which played Black Widow with all the charisma and believability that you'd... arse... I'll stop talking about that now.


After the obvious power struggle that is of course going to occur when you lock six superheroes inside a giant flying aircraft carrier, and the death of Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg playing what was actually one of the best comic roles in the film), the ragtag band of protagonists embark upon what can only be described as gratuitously violent perfection. As a second portal opens above a Stark skyscraper and aliens riding massive flying slugs things enter a generic American city (why do all these places look the same?), the Avengers make them wish they'd never found out what a portal was. Heads smashed, bodies exploded, Hulk punching Thor in the face; this movie has everything that you could hope for in a combination of several leading Marvel sub-franchises.

And this isn't just me talking. As of May 8th, Avengers: Assemble has taken in $744,114,897. The film has an 93% rating on Rotten Tomatoes (which is good) and has been described as 'Transformers with a brain, a heart and a working sense of humour.' And what a sense of humour. The scriptwriters/geniuses/gods managed to combine Downey Jr's rampant self-irony with Ruffalo's dry, reserved brand of wit, both of which shine through and help to offset the otherwise potentially heavy-handed and formulaic nature of large amounts of the film. Stark's assessment of Thor's get-up ("Does't thou know that thou is wearing thy mother's drapes?") was definitely a highlight for me.


In the end then, what we have here is a staggeringly amazing, very well-written, brilliantly acted, superiorly produced action film which then dumps a surprise bucket of humour over your head. This movie is so worth a look that he only reason you perhaps shouldn't go and watch it immediately is if you don't have eyes. Or ears. Or you don't like Scarlett Johansson's arse.